I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize