This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
