I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
