question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
