Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
