im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
