i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
