Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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