Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
