i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you never un-have a 4some
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
