Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's shark week go big or go home
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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