So drunk its hurt
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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