Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
