i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize