I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize