i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
someone owes me an orgasm
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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