wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
