Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
