Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
