Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize