I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
false alarm. still invincible.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
