finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
