I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
