He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize