A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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