i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
