I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
