i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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