soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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