party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
