i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
