I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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