You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
