Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
