The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
