eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
