Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
