her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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