I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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