Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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