omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
