the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
