I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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