My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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