my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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