p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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