sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
