I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
