There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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