Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
