i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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