I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize