Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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