He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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