We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
