nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
