Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize