I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
