i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize