Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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