when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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