On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
