First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
