"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
